Caveat: Please honor the huge risk I am taking at being vulnerable about the journey I am on and respond, if you feel so led, with sensitivity.
Here it goes. The misadventures of a twenty something female into the wacky world of online dating. Yes. You read that correctly.
But it’s more than just that. This entire process is more about learning how to be powerful in any and every situation, but especially in those places where its feels and seems and looks like you exist within limited options.
Let me start at the beginning.
Last December I turned 28. And the following occurred to me: Here I am, 28 years old, the healthiest, happiest and most whole I’ve been in my entire life. Yet, SURPRISE! I am still single. WHAT!??? How is that possible? (Lets not go into that right now folks, but I will give a nod to the place of divine timing) Ok ok ok. It’s not that I haven’t been asked out, or pursued, or dated....I have. It’s just that they never went very far, had no future or were not the kind of lads I wanted to say yes to or go on a date with. I am a woman who knows what she wants. And that’s not a crime! And just in case you are wondering....I have said yes to a few opportunities to try something different even when it’s not what I seemingly want, in the spirit of giving lads a chance. Just covering my bases.
Ok so I am 28 and asking why I am still single. THat question in turn, unfolded and exposed some wrong mindsets that had been deeply embedded within my thoughts for too many years to count.
Suffice to say what was revealed in the process was that whilst I felt powerful in every area of my life, relationally, I felt powerless, overlooked, frustrated and downright mystified as to what was going on. I had great friendships marked by quality people. Not only that, but I had started to live my life magnetically, drawing others to the life, joy, fun and goodness that flowed from heaven through me. So how in the world was it possible to not attract some quality potentials? I still don’t know the answer to this and have opted to embrace the mystery of this unanswered question.
BUT, it was clear, that there was a huge discrepancy in this area of my life that was screaming to be addressed. In asking God about this, I realized that I had believed a lie that as a woman in the church I had to sit, wait and watch passively until ‘the one’ surfaced and began to pursue me. But it finally hit me like a ton of bricks. The reality check I mean. Which just happened to arrive on my 28th birthday.
“The one’ ‘the one’ ‘the one’. Hmmmm, that's an interesting phrase. What does it mean? ‘The one” idea started to unsettle me deep within my spirit for some reason. The more I talked to God about it the more He began to underline how He created me, how He created us, to be powerful individuals operating in empowering ways in our lives. Powerful people have choice and options. That’s why there were 2 trees in the garden. It meant there was choice to exercise the freedom and power of decision. Love is like that. It’s a choice. It’s so much more and so much bigger than merely a feeling. Love chooses to love and keep on loving even when love isn’t deserved. That’s making a powerful choice right there. We were made in His image. So it follows that we live life powerful, free and full of options. That we have the power to choose to love like He does. He loved us before we ever loved Him. But it was His choice. He choose us long before we ever choose Him. That wrecks me every time.
The more revelation He gave me about being powerful and having options, the more I felt LIMITED by my mindsets centered around the idea of ‘the one’. Ok, let me clarify at this point-I am NOT endorsing Polygamy or infidelity by having multiple relationships....I only want ONE husband...what I am saying is that my mindset about ‘the one’ created a sense of powerlessness and passivity in my life that was inconsistent with every other realm of life where I was taking action, taking initiative, moving forward, deciding between multiple options, exercising the power of choice and living empowered. Something was wrong with that picture. The more I asked God, the more He began to renew my mind about this issue, the fruit of which has been new thoughts, yielding new action, which it is my hope will ultimately yield fruitful results. Anyway, I suppose the conclusion I am trying to hint at is that in this initial process my mindset about ‘the one’ has been totally deconstructed. I actually don’t believe that there is ‘the one’ because that is so limiting, in so many ways. Mainly because it undermines our power to exercise choice, since ‘the one’ isn’t really about us choosing or working through the process of discovering who we choose to spend our lives with-the man or woman we will choose to love when they have their unlovely moments because we chose to love them because we made a choice for covenant. Not only that, but that mindset also puts a ton of pressure on a relationship to operate a certain way and to produce a certain outcome, which if it doesn’t, leaves us distraught because we’ve blown the only chance in the universe to love. Let’s just laugh at that! Side note, like some in my circle, I like to laugh at lies. The more blatant they are, the funnier it seems. But it's true that that kind of mindset can doom a relationship from the start because of the unhealthy pressure that false expectation places on it.
We were made to have options and choices. Sometimes though, it feels like we are in seasons, situations, positions or places where options and choice are limited. But I am learning that actually, with God there are always more options than I can see...it just takes a bit of creative vision, wisdom and discernment to behold them. So join me on this journey of discovering what it looks like to find the options that lie just beyond my line of sight...and how it’s possible to be powerful in any situation.
